Dear Paul
by funstt
Summary: Dawn's feelings from her break up with Paul and finally accepting when she is ready to be loved again by someone else. Dawn's POV. One-shot.


This isn't my typical writing style. Its quite raw and its something I have been working on for a while about how people can feel after relationships. I'm a little nervous about posting it because its quite different from my usual stories and quite dark not to mention written in the first person. I believe that there is a grieving cycle and it takes time to come to terms with the end of something and accept the beginning of something new. It's obviously quite dramatic as it is fictional but I love that Dawn and Paul are able to be easily slotted into various situations. Thanks.

Dear Paul,

I think about you every day. Not a day goes by where I don't find myself wondering how you are or what you are doing or if you are thinking about me too. I'm in love with you. I've never been in love with anyone else, and it hurts to know that you've moved on. I just want you to be happy. That is honestly all I have ever wanted for you; and I hope that happiness finds you for the rest of our lives. I will always love you, Paul and I wish you success and hope for the future. Sometimes I wonder if I just wasn't ready to love.

I always thought that maybe one day we would get back together. I suppose looking back I've always had this hope in the back of my mind that one day we will work things out. We can both forgive for the wrongs we have made. The mistakes. I have never considered myself an angel. I know I hurt you just as much as you hurt me. But I also know how much you love me. Or loved me. I know you used to love me more than anything in the world. I know this because you're a good person, and I think we just met too early in life. Imagine if we had have met after maturing a little bit. We could have been great. No one or thing is perfect in this world. But we could have come close. I'm pretty sure I wasn't ready to love.

I have never found myself more down on life. I'm sad…depressed in fact. Not in the clinical way, just in the 'I miss you' way. Do you miss me too? I really hope that you do, I just feel like you've moved on and stopped caring. It only took you two days. And I never really got to be mad about it or yell at you. I wasn't ready to really love.

It was double standards the way you went off about the last time we saw each other. Double standards to the point where you deserve a punch in the face. I know I made you unhappy. And that pains me. But maybe one day we can move past this. If you don't want to be with me I accept it. I even understand it somewhat, even if I don't feel the same about the situation. I guess these days I look back and think that I wasn't ready to be loved.

I feel like I'm all alone. And I feel like everyone I know is rooting against us. No one would support it. And yet I feel myself wanting it so badly, needing it even. I just wish we could be together, now, maybe even forever. I don't know. How do you even know? What if it wasn't even love?

I lied to you when I told you I was happy the last time I saw you. Truth is I'm miserable without you. If I ever get you back, I swear to every belief on the planet that I will never let you go. I'll never hurt you or make you sad, and I will appreciate every living, breathing moment with you. No regrets. Maybe I'm still not ready to be loved.

Sometimes I wonder if I was to swallow my pride and say you know what, screw this I'm in love with you and I never want to lose you; if you would somehow say I love you too, let's be together. Why can't we make it work? I'm not ready to be loved.

I always look back and think, is this something that you had wanted for a while? Or was it that you actually loved me so much that you didn't want to lose me. There were signs that you didn't want to be with me for months before we split. Is it just my imagination? Please help me. Maybe I'm not ready to admit that I can be loved.

I miss you so much it hurts to be without you. If we ever fix this I will promise to love you and hold you and probably marry you. You will never ever be unhappy again and neither will I because we will be in love. Real love. The kind of love not many people get to experience in life. The kind of love that no one will ever understand except for the two of us. Maybe I'm not ready for that kind of love.

Every time I hear a song that we loved or listened to together, or reminds me of you, or one of our many 'songs' - I cry. In fact I bawl my eyes out most of the time because I'm so fucking miserable. If I died tomorrow would you even care? Would you even care that I've written this? Do you even care that I still love you? Is this a sign? I don't even know if I believe in fate or any of that bullshit. Why do things feel weird? Maybe I'm not ready to be loved.

I wish you were here. Being cold at night sucks. I feel like you being here would make everything better and stress free. You are kind of the love of my life. Maybe even my soul mate. I think you only get one, and I lost mine. I'm not sure if you lost yours though. Maybe I'm just not ready to love?

I'm doing better now. It's been nearly a year without you and I still miss you like crazy, but I'm doing better. I'm not sure if I'm happy. I don't really know how to be. I've decided I need to be by myself from now on. I tried the dating thing. But no one is you. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love you, and think about you every day. But things are looking up. I don't constantly cry anymore, or break out in tears at the mention of your name. I get upset, and I do cry occasionally, but I just want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. Really happy. I hope I meet someone one day and I feel the same way about them that I did about you. I don't get that spark anymore, with anyone. Not one person makes me feel like you did. There's no excitement. Maybe I'm just not ready to love?

These days I can go weeks, even months without thinking about you. I've met someone, Paul. And he is amazing. He treats me well and loves me more than I ever thought possible. How could I have ever been so lucky to have this - twice? It's different though. Good different. Much more mature and I feel like I can really embrace myself. But now and then you still pop into my head. It could be a song, or a sense of de ja vu that keeps me from completely cutting you from my thoughts. Occasionally I still wonder if we were meant to be and we messed it up. But I like Ritchie. He's nice to me and makes fun of me but still shows me how much he cares. I wonder if you'll meet someone as great as I have. I wonder if you'll ever find love like this. But I've moved on. And for once I can honestly say that I'm happy. Probably the happiest I've been in years. Maybe one day you'll realise what you've lost. And maybe one day I will be able to say I never think about you anymore. Maybe I'm finally ready to be loved.


End file.
